NOW AND AGAIN..
Well, I am selfish; I want my "now and again" – NOW! After all, all we have is Now. Like that Dash in our life, you know, date of birth – date of death. The dash is all that counts.
Now and Again. My Now seems to be a bit late. I judge I am late in the realization that I only have Now. So, I feel very comfortable in being selfish about my Now.
My Now usually evolved around my girls and that was fun. The Now at age 58 has new meaning and mortality. The mortal part tends to get my attention. Denny Crane would not worry about such minor interruption. Mad Cow has so many unique and fun symptoms. After all, you really never realize you are ill and in the case of mental illness, everything is perfect from your prospective.
Now I want to think about me and us. Not to the exclusion of all, but to work, society, politics and anything that interferes with my Now. Yeah, I know, white male, selfish bastard. Well, I am male, white but had two parents. I can be selfish but I try to spread that trait amongst all my true friends and enemies.
Lets talk about who and what I do not want in my Now. I do not have room for those waiting for their Now. Waiting for a government or society to provide them with a Now. Get real folks. Only you can make your Now. I have no time for those waiting on their acceptance into the fraternity of a victim. Like the puke that appeared in my office whining about needing social security disability just due to heart surgery. Complaining about being bored but when I suggested some work, he did not want to put forth such effort. Get out of my way. If you can drive around in your truck, visit all your buddies and complete rehab, you can work. Get out of my way.
I want my neighbor at age 96 that mows a yard, rakes leaves and enjoys everyday to be a part of my Now. All the tragedies in his life, a century, cannot stop his Now.
My Now does not include the GED packing waste who blames all for his lack of a Now. Who pilfers from parents and is just sucking at the tit of society. Ever wonder why we do not recognize their names in the court reports or the obits. Just a shadow on society, never to create a Now.
My Now includes an elderly Dad who enjoys everyday. Horse racing, bitching about his eggs but admires the color of the Coe' and reads three papers daily. His Now at 85 has much more depth. Even he does not have time for the whining of the Now-Less.
I should not dwell on the Now Less. After all, their part in my Now is minor. My Now includes four young women leading and making lives of their own. Dare they quit working on their Now. Although we cannot always control Now, we make our Now with our attitude.
Again, I plan to be somewhat selfish in my Now. I plan for my Now to include my wife, for whom I am so grateful and fortunate.
My Now is sharing life with her and being the husband she deserves and a father to those young women. My Now includes two step sons and my desire to see them create their Now.
Now includes travel to the locations I have missed thus far in life and making the adventures part of my Now. Now includes being creative in my chosen work, and applying some creativity to my enjoyment of writing. Not considering my lack of talent, but my gift of bull shit and enjoyment of reading my own words. Since I enjoy writing I certainly cannot be concerned with the opinion of others. Hell, they don't have to read this stuff.
My Now includes finding challenges each day. That new low score in golf, the growth of the new landscaping and vines, tasting the new variety of red wine (or any color for that matter), still push mowing the lawn, enjoying time with Bailey and being aware daily of my Now.
The Again part can be a bit more challenging. How many events, experiences or people do you want to experience Again. The challenge is in knowing the benefit of an Again. Not every experience can be appreciated Again.
I do not want to experience war again. I managed to survive that once and do not want to temp the gods on that one. I do not want to repeat adolescence for growing up can be a bitch. Fun much of the time, but then you understand it does not last forever and you learn to think about the future. That comes before the Now, just in case you were not following the time line.
The Again of raising my daughters must lie in my memory. I do not want or expect to raise them a second time but I certainly want to remember the experience Again. Don't think Mad Cow will erase the experience from my data base. Now, they may want to change the memory, but that is their problem. I will remember it my way. After all, this is my Now and Again.
My Again has to include the breath taking scenes I have not seen. The Canadian Rockies, vast oceans, several foreign countries, more grandchildren and walking down the isle with my daughters to their wedding altar. My step sons finding their Nows.
I want to sail around the Caribbean, see coffee growing in Costa Rica with Blake, and even attempt climbing small rocks with Matt. Oops, that sounds more like a Now.
Realistically, or truthfully, I do not have many Agains. My Now is more important and it seems like the Agains will take care of themselves if I feed my Nows. Sounds good for a guy with Mad Cow. If I experience my Now, the Again should follow or at least I will think I have any answer. Or, I will have the wisdom to not give a shit.
I have no idea who will read this essay or who will truly care what is said. I want to encourage any reader to feed their Now so they will have many Agains to experience. I may have stumbled upon a semi-original thought. For how can you have any Again if you do not have a Now.
Please go create your Now. Just remember, do not get in the way of mine and if you do, look around for my Agains. They will be close behind.